Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Finding my way back

Today was an anxiety day. I knew it was coming. I haven't been able to sit still with myself for a couple of weeks... but I didn't notice right away. I dedicated every moment to cleaning or reading or cooking or planning or some activity. And last night, something caught inside of me and I paused for a second.

That second was terrifying. The silence was too loud, the weeks' (maybe months'?) worth of thoughts came flooding as the dam sprung a leak. I committed to go to bed and pray about what was scaring me about being alone and being still.

Then I fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and went to work without pausing. I ate too much too many times and when Caleb was not ready to leave at 4:30, but instead at 4:40, I fell apart.

It's at moments like these that I have great empathy for toddlers.

This evening has been a time of being quiet, first with Caleb (it helps to have someone help you find true north if you've been wandering for a while) and next, the more daunting task, with myself. It's going to take a little practice, but I think we're going to find our way again. We always do.