Saturday, June 29, 2013

Cornered.

Have you ever been backed into a corner by snarling dogs who were just trying to get a bit of you and you had to kick and punch to get out?

Yeah, me neither.

(Though there was that one time that two boxers attacked me on my bike a couple weeks back. But I digress.)

Now, have you ever felt backed into a corner? Emotionally? Spiritually? Relationally? Whatever-elsely?

This post is about to get real.

Going into the month of May, all I could think was, "I wish we didn't have to celebrate my birthday this month. Because this month is going to give me a metaphorical black eye." I have always had a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, and May was a prime example of that. I committed myself to too many events, too many relationships, too many jobs, too many causes. My sleep suffered. My relationships suffered. It was bad. When May was over, all I could think was "PHEW." I had survived and I waved my champion flag. But then June came. And I hadn't really cut back all that much. I think, and I'm just sorting this out really, that if May gave me the metaphorical black eye I was expecting, June metaphorically sucker-punched me in the stomach.

Back in the day when my little brother was still, well, littler, than me, he was chronically very sick. He would be quite pleasant with the doctors and then scream at my parents and me all the time. My parents once mentioned this to a wise nurse. She was unsurprised. "He feels safe with you," she explained. "With you, he can really express the way he feels inside, the pain he is feeling."

Bless you, wise nurse.

Isn't that true? When something is hurting us or bothering us deep down, the ones we snap at first are our family members, our best friends, our loved ones. And my poor love has been hearing a lot of my misdirected anger the past month.

I've been angry, you guys (and girls). That's a difficult emotion for me because it feels out of control and scary. I think, deep down in my heart, I am craving space. nature. beauty. slowness. ease. grace. peace. early bedtimes, slow morning routines. time alone. kairos. But that's not been happening.

So as June draws to a close (AND THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE MONTHS TO WAIT UNTIL I MARRY MY BESTIE AND MY LOVE), I am taking a deep breath.

And another.

And another.

Maybe one more.

I have been feeling backed into a corner. Because of that I have been fearful, irritable, and lashing out whenever something starts to encroach on my teeny weeny space. But guess what?

There's no corner. It's all open fields and grassy plains.

Open fields of July. And the sun is shining.

My dear friend Amanda recently stayed with me. She suggested that I sign up to receive the "ennea-thought of the day." The enneagram is a whole 'nother post in itself. That I probably will never write. It's sort of like a holistic personality assessment thing. Without going into more detail about it, let me share what it sent me for today:

 For real change to occur, you will always need awareness, dedication, and perseverance. How much are you really interested in these things?


And so, for this month, I rededicate myself to making space to ponder, pray, wonder, be slow, trust that the birds won't fall out of the sky if I stop worrying. It will require awareness, dedication, perseverance. But maybe, just maybe, if I allow my soul to rest, I can stop being so angry, And start being real.

Love and hope dear ones.